Is that Jeff Goldblum?

http://www.myspace.com/zombiehairdoo
is the subject of this review. Click on the link or the fairy princess above.

Page Name: Dr. Cobra...hssss
Page Type: Gay Pride (I think)
Page Grade: B+


You ever hear the expression a "A picture is worth a 1000 words"? Well now they have proof. What is perhaps most disconcerting about this page (specifically this picture) is not the Jeff Goldblum look-alike wearing the dress - it is the enormous stuffed Farvil sitting next to him (the lovable creature from "An American Tale"). All I can say is....somewhere out there the maker of that ballerina costume is weeping.

Dr. Cobra is a pushy bastard whose personality screams out "We're here, we're queer". But don't be fooled, our Dr. Cobra has a cynical outlook for a Disney Princess:

About me:
I think we have little time here and that this world is soon to end, I wanna make sure that I'm holding the hand of my best friend when it does.

But our pink Pollyanna is going out in style:

DR. COBRA.... Hisssss's Details

Status:

Swinger

Good for you, Brittney, good for you. Your impeccable sense of style and the fact that you are the spitting image of Dr. Ian Malcom grants your page a B+

Want me to judge your friends pages? Or how about yours? Email me the URL at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

A face I'd trust a baby with...

http://www.myspace.com/fatgregsmokesdank
is the subject of this review. Click on the link or the beauty above.

Page Name: Fat Greg
Page Type: Pothead anarchist
Page Grade: B

I get scared sometimes. I get scared that the world is simply going to implode in on itself and all the life and happiness in the world will simply turn to dust. You know what makes me think this? MySpace pages like this one.

Take a long look at the picture above. Now read what "Fat Greg" has decided to say about himself.

>>>>>>>>>>My name is Fat Greg..... I am the shit.<<<<<<<<<<

Poetry....sheer poetry.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the American dream. In what other country could a doped up (almost) high school graduate have such delusions of grandeur? I suppose France, but then again, the French are assholes too.

But that isn't even the most shocking of events. What will really make you lose sleep is this:

Fat Greg's Details

Status: Married

um....really?

The only thing more shocking than that...is this:

Occupation:

salesman

Salesman? Are you telling me that people actually see this man and are willing to give him money in exchange for goods and services? The only explanation I can come up with is that he is a street begger who is under the impression that asking people for crack money is a legitimate business practice.

Perhaps the site's only redeeming quality is the fact that he advocates overthrow of the government - and if these are the guys leading the revolution - democracy can sleep well tonight.

You get a B, Fat Greg - as in...You B stoned.

Have a MySpace page you think I should review? Tell me about it at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com!

Careful! He has to Dookie a Shooter!

http://www.myspace.com/stetestilz
is the subject of this review. Click on the link or the guy who is in mid-crap above.

Page Name: Stetestilz
Page Type: Wannabe gangster with free time
Page grade: D+

Right from the start I knew this page had what it took to be an All-Star. It's layout was what I lovingly refer to as a "Clusterfuck" and is proof again that "Thom's Myspace Editor" should come with a disclaimer:

Warning: If you barely have the ability to run your own life, Thom's Myspace Editor is not recommended for your page.

But alas, it does not - so we are stuck with having to look at thousands of shitty "artistic" pages where you can't read the writing and the pictures don't fit on the screen. Lucky us.

But it is not this 9th grade art class layout that truly drops the value of this page - it is the maker himself (as is so often the case). Let us take, for example, one of the first things we see on the page:

About me:
I'm Stet E (pronounced "steady"). Where I live is very up in the air right now.

Yup - you sound steady to me. Steady like a homeless man.

And if this wasn't enough to make you click "home" as fast as possible - Mr. Stet E shows his love for the ladies.

I enjoy cold beverages, and hot chicks.

Look out Spicoli - there's a new shredder in town. Sorry Mr. Stet E - your grade is a Stet D+


Have a MySpace you want me to review? Send the link to rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com!

You know...friends can use cameras too...

http://www.myspace.com/mygraham
is the subject of this review. Click on the link of the friendless pothead above.

Page Name: Graham
Page Type: Marijuana-induced jackass-ery
Page Grade: A

So the question I have to ask all you MySpacers is this: why are so many of you so comfortable with letting everyone know that you don't even have ONE friend willing to take your picture for you. When you cross the threshold to cyber-loser - the last thing you should do is advertise.

But advertise Graham does!

Graham's Details

Status:	Single
Here for:	Networking, Dating, Friends

How Nice Graham....can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Graham's Interests

General

drinking, smoking weed, all sorts of ill shit

Ladies - Get......in.......line.

But maybe you just want to find out what is going on in Graham's mind? Maybe you want to know what is going on in his day to day? Well - check out the best blog EVER!

Graham's Latest Blog Entry [Subscribe to this Blog]
OPTIMUS PRIME vs BONECRUSHER!

YES! FINALLY WHO KNOWS SOMETHING THE LADIES WANT TO TALK ABOUT! Yes - Optimus Prime vs. Bonecrusher is all about KICKING ROBOT ASS!

Yes Graham - pot has done wonders for you. Your grade is an A.

MySpace goes "Drunk-JackAss"

http://www.myspace.com/upwithdope
is the subject of this review. Click on the link or the picture of the Drunk Asshole.

Page Name: Drink to Live and Live to Drink
Page Type: Wannabe Gangster with spare time
Page Grade: C-


Take a good look ladies - this is the guy who just wants a hug. Just a hug girl...don't be trippin'. But inside...he is dying.


Exhibit A - The Survey

Your Weakness:	getting hit on the ball
Your Fears:	midget

Ah ha! His weakness -getting hit on the ball! (whatever the hell that means) - oh - and if we can get midgets to hit on the ball - we'll be all set!

What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i dont kno
What country would you most like to Visit:	hawaii

And although our post-pubescent alcoholic doesn't have major plans - he does want to go to the COUNTRY of HAWAII.

Who I'd like to meet:

You scored as Hot. You are Hot, you scream and are wild, people love doing anything sexual with you.

Okay, I am a bit unsure as to why this is located in the "Who I'd like to meet" but I just wanted to once again point out how inane all myspace "quizzes" are.

I beg you....no more quizzes. This page passes out to a C-.

Irresistible?

http://myspace.com/23023470
is the subject of this review. Click on the link or the picture of the Greek Sex God to the left.

Page Name: Michael
Page Type: Lookin for love...
Page Grade: B+

Well, is there anything sadder in life than seeing a grown man throw his arms about desperately hoping to pin down a sweet piece of tail? Oh Michael, you are simply trying too hard.

Okay, I have yet to go off on a really good rant about MySpace quizzes, and I won't here - but I did want to point out a couple of the "tests" that our Michael here took and he is PROUD to display.

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!

Well I don't know what kind of messed up beaches you girls bask on...but I don't think I would want this guy dropping cherries in my mouth. Thanks though.

You're a Romantic Kisser For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance
You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea
The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood
It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

Yes girls...he is the REAL DEAL! Not only will he feed you long stem cherries on a crystal beach - but he will also kiss you so passionately, that he will sweep HIMSELF off his feet!

And of course, I would be remiss if I did not mention this:

Your Power Color Is Teal

I am not a possessor of Herculean strength myself, but I can say with certainty - Teal is not a "Power Color". Beige, maybe. Purple I could see - but Teal? nah.

And yet, it is Michael's persistence and fallibility that make him all the more endearing. Mike, I am sorry to say that you will spend the rest of your life alone - but hey - with Teal on your side, do you even need women?

Hope springs eternal, Michael! - B+

Hate Teal? Or have a myspace you want me to review? Send me an email at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

A lot of Love to Give

http://www.myspace.com/ladylegba
is the subject of this review.

Page Name: Black Tangled Heart
Page Type: Emo Paradise
Page Grade: D+

Well, chalk another one up for Emo self indulgence.

As I have been surfing through MySpace and trying to find the best of the best in terms of pages, I have come across a lot of odd pictures and descriptions. Often times these are intended to be funny, but even more often you realize that people are just fucking clueless. This is one such page.

First of all - lets find a little bit about "Black Tangled Heart"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ People piss me off and people dissapoint me often. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My name is Heather Joy. If you still care, good for you. Your ahead of most of the people I know. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well - isn't she just a breath of fresh air? Well if that didn't just make you want to scoop her up and put her in your pocket - this next bit will. We get to hear about who Tangled Heart wants to meet!

Who I'd like to meet:
Someone that makes my heart skip a beat, or someone who will stop my heart from beating altogether. The way I figure it, I WILL find someone, or I WILL cease to exist. Its that simple.

My money is on "cease to exist".

Despite this early college self discovery bull shit, the page is rather honest with itself on its musical selections and interests. And this lovely lady has over 600 comments. Now granted, most of them are from her best friend (her name is either Lauren or Dory, they use them interchangeably), but still - the girl's got spunk.

Not enough spunk though. D+


Do you have a black tangled heart? Or do you have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

Convict?

http://www.myspace.com/cadillac_connie
is the subject of this review.

Page Name: Connie
Page Type: Self Page
Page Grade: C+

Well, well....Cadillac Connie? What can I say about your perfect eyes and endless soul? Gentlemen, this one's for you. But don't get too attached...Cadillac Connie's already bagged herself a husband. With a mug like that - how could she not?

This is a moment when we must reflect on the fact that this woman CHOSE this as her main picture. She had the dexterity and the mental clarity to push the correct sequence of buttons to put this in cyberspace. May God help us all.

But...

Despite looking like she came straight out of COPS, Connie has quite a decent little MySpace here. It is a tad self-indulgent, but most are. But where the page takes a dip is where our beauty talks about who she would like to meet.

Who I'd like to meet:
i am VERY serious about this!!! i want to fu*k KIDROCK!

Oh Cadillac Connie, you're so sassy. But sassy only gets you so far in the Blogosphere. C+

Want to tell me what you think of Connie Or have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

A Frightening Myspace

http://www.myspace.com/barry1983
is the subject of this review. Click on the link, or the frightening picture of the giant baby.

Page Name: Barry
Page Type: Horror Unleashed
Page Grade: A-

What can I possibly say to this. What words can I craft that will do justice to this MySpace of epic proportions? And what will I tell my children when they ask "Daddy, what is evil?" Do I simply show them this picture? Or do I save them the years of sleepless nights and Crying Game personal moments and show them a picture of Hitler?

So, Barry, is that body all your made of? Girls like more than a pretty face.

Status:	Single
Here for:	Networking, Dating, Serious Relationships, Friends
Orientation:	Straight
Hometown:	scranton
Body type:	3' 10" / Body builder
Ethnicity:	White / Caucasian
Religion:	Scientologist
Zodiac Sign:	Libra
Education:	Some college
Occupation:	astronaut
Income:	$250,000 and Higher

Uh oh - does this 3'10" body builder really practice scientology? Ah - it appears we have been duped! A clever rouge! Ah touche, Monsieur Barry! Touche!

Still, that picture will give me fucking nightmares. A-

You a fan of giant babies? Or have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

Ladies, your search is over....

http://www.myspace.com/cmikejones
is the subject of this review. Click on the link or on the picture of the male Adonis himself.


Page Name: Corey Michael
Page Type: Self Page
Page Grade: B

I want to immediately have a serious conversation about topless myspace pictures. Men...stop it. It's embarrassing. In this case, young Corey Michael looks like he is on the verge of a massive dookey and is struggling to take the picture before it shoots out of him uncontrollably. Let it out, man. You can take the picture later.

And okay, lets just say that you are the kind of person who CAN pull off a topless MySpace headliner, the question you have to ask yourself is: should you? Here is a guy, Corey Michael, with a nice, if not uninteresting MySpace page. He tells of his likes and dislikes, where he is from and where he is going. The massive Ford Mustang background adds to his Kentucky Redneck appeal - and he has to go and ruin it by showing us his Marky Mark impression in the photo. It is just sad.

The page is uneventful, the picture is nauseating. B.

You a Corey fan? Or have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

Just a whisper in the Shadows....

http://www.myspace.com/demons1870
is the subject of today's review. Click on the link or the picture of the "whisper" himself...or herself...

Page Name: Just a Whisper on the Shadows
Page Type: Self-Masturbatory Ninja Page
Page Grade: D-


Okay...here is a classic for you. A ninja - an enigma. Quiet, stealthy, secretive. So secretive, in fact, that he is unable to reveal his appearance for fear that rival clans will find him and exact revenge. Wow, he truly is Just a Whisper on the Shadows...

Too bad he posts every single thing about himself ad nausea...

Name	Justin *******
Age	16
Birthday	2/23/89
Hometown	Perth Amboy
Where you live	Edelman
Eye Color	Brown
Hair Color	Dark Brown
Height	i think like 5'11"
Weight	172
Righty or Lefty	Righty
Inny or Outty	inny

Yes...he tells us he is an inny. Good thing he went to such great lengths to conceal his identity.

But it is not just this inherent contradiction that makes this page so terribly bad, it is also the message it chooses to send to the world.

just a whisper in the shadows's Blurbs About me:
I'm a crazy guy i'll try almost anything once or twice. i love to play video games and explore the neighboring quarrys in my bitch ass town im also a very trust worthy person if you tell me something ill take it to the grave and im also very loyal and i am wiccan and no i dont worship the devil...

Hmm...how interesting "Whisper-Shadow" man! You don't worship the devil but your MySpace URL is http://www.myspace.com/demons1870 - oops.

But even despite all these pre-teen mistakes, the page's truly horrific grade comes from the fact that the picture reminds me of something I would see on Al-Jazeera.

Whisper in the Shadows stealths his way to a D-.

Disagree with my take on Al-Jazeera ninja guy? Or have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

Dr.Roxo

http://www.myspace.com/bigstephjr
is the subject of todays review. Or you can click the picture of Dr.Roxo himself, located above.

Page Name: Dr.Roxo
Page Type: Super Nerd Cluster-Fuckery
Page Grade: C+



Oh Dr.Roxo - I know you well. You are proud of your picture - your "kick ass" hand gesture lets people know your not the kind of guy who cares about society's rules. You set your own agenda, you command your own destiny - and all of this at the age of 13.

But, Dr. Roxo? Why do you lie to us?

Dr.Roxo's Details

Status: In a Relationship Here for: Serious Relationships Orientation: Straight Hometown: Burlington Body type: 5' 1" / Slim / Slender Ethnicity: White / Caucasian Religion: Jewish Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius Children: Undecided Income: $250,000 and Higher

Exhibit A - Status: In a relationship.

Well we all know this to be an obvious lie. True, the world might be on the lookout for a "Carrot Top spawn of Satan" - but we all know this dubious title does not carry with it access to the ladies. Strike one, Doctor Roxo. And isn't it curious that he is in a relationship, but he is here for
"Serious Relationships"?


Exhibit B

Income: $250,000

You know, with all of that Jewish borne disposable income, you think that a haircut might have entered the picture.


Exhibit C

He has a portion of his site dedicated to what kind of Pokemon he is. He is a "gengar" for all those curious.

Dr. Roxo's site proclaims

"You scored as Gengar, You are an Gengar, You like to sneak out at night to summon your dead family members at the graveyard so you can scare people until the sun comes back up so you have to go back inside to wait for the next night..."

A Jewish D&D fanatic with Carrot Top's looks and a healthy 6-figure income?! Ladies - call your friends...he is after all, looking for "serious relationships".

But I digress...The page itself.

Well, it was clean, nerdy, and well presented. It is an average page - if not soulsuckingly depressing.

Sorry Doc, you get a C+


You love the doc? Or have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

Don't be fooled by two chicks making out.

http://www.myspace.com/fuuckmyspace
is the subject of this review. Or click on the myspace headliner photo above - you know - the two chicks making out.

Page Name: "I'll always win the game"
Page Type: Whore spot.
Page grade: D-


Wow. That is all I can say right now. Wow. I am so super pissed. As you can tell by the pic above, this should be one of the best myspace pages in history. Inside this myspace should be a soft core pornacopia for all of us male myspace picture-clickers. A hot place where there are hot women kissing...but safe enough for someone to walk in the room - "Hey, uh, myspace is cool for work right? Like...you won't get fired?" - that kind of innocence that is almost long forgotten due to the widespread infection of bad internet porn.

But alas - this is not the place for us.

How horrible is this page? For those of you who only read the article and don't check out the actual page - please - indulge me this once. You will vomit, unfortunately, due to the vertigo of too many spinning yellow hues, but after you get it out - you get to read such fabulous tripe as :

"Yooo! My name is Shannon. My friends call me things like fuzz, weener, keenween, ween dawg, ween, keener, and shannon keener eats weener. I use to hate it, but now it's the shit and so am I. I have a good heart. I'm irish, german, n polish."

Oh yeah - I am sure "shannon keener eats weener" has an irish heart of gold.

And does Shannon use her horrible daddy issues to entertain us with crazy pics of her and her sorority gals? NOPE! She has album after stupid album of her and a bunch of half-drunk fraternity rejects climbing over each other and losing at beer pong. Shanon keener eats weener, you disappoint me. And you actually have Tom as your top friend. Now you're not even trying.

The only redeeming quality of this trip through slutsville is the friends list (after Tom). There is a good selection of whores and self esteem issues - so if your a lonely guy, click away. I for one, don't think I could get that lonely...

This page is a D- (I just can't give two girls kissing an F, I apologize)

Did you like "the keener, shannon weener"? Or have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

Dracula backwards....

http://www.myspace.com/alucardhellsting

is the subject of this article. Or you can click on the pic above.

Page Name: Alucard and Mistic Stella Vixen Forever
Type of Page: Personality Selling
Page Grade: A


NOW THIS IS A MYSPACE! We start our Lovecraftean journey by basking in the post-adolescent angst that is the Grim Reaper. Yes, look at how you cannot see his face under his cloak...it could be anyone under that cloak. It could even be....ALUCARD! The creator of one of the finest myspace pages I have ever seen. I mean this guy is letting you know, right out front, no ifs ands or buts, that he is fucking crazy. I congratulate you, Vixens, a job well done. Now to the nitty-gritty.

Perhaps one of my favorite points of the page was that it is not exactly clear who the page is for! Is it for Alucard? or Mistic Stella? They imply that it is both - but LOOK AT THE PICTURE - it is only...Alucard. Is Mistic Stella some sort of Norman Bates personality that is haunting the myspace safegrounds? Or is it simply the name for his Dungeons and Dragons level 6 druid princess? I ponder this often.

Another fantastic portion of this page is in the "Interests" section. Alucard (or Mistic Stella) speak in the royal "we"! - "

General	WRESTLING AND METAL GEAR GAMES OR ANYTHING THAT IS A VIDEO GAME
Music	IF IT SOUNDS GOOD TO US WE WILL LISTEN TO IT
Movies	THE PUNISHER IS ONE OF THE MANY
Television	WRESTING, AND ACTION ANIMATED CARTOONS[NOT PORN ONES EITHER]
Books	DONT LIKE READING
Heroes	ALUCARD

"If it sounds good to us? are you but one mind? And look! ALUCARD IS HIS OWN HERO! Now that is fucking bad ass. And he only tells us that just moments after expressing his opinion on the written word.

Well, I could go on and on about this page. It embodies the truly terrible in all of us. Some of you might question my score of A, and I understand that - this is after all, bad emo poetry. But it is the bad that makes it good, my fellow readers (or non-reader's in Alucard's case), and I stand by my grade.

You like drinking blood? Or have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

Cult or Camp?

http://www.myspace.com/pottawattamiecountyyouth

is where you can find the subject of this article. Or click on the creepy pic above.


Page Name: http: Pottawattamie County Youth
Type of Page: Community group sponsored page
Grade: B


Okay....look at it, but not too long. Okay...now shake off the initial "creepy" feeling of having actually read the words in this MySpace. Now look at it again.

I know...not much better. But you don't feel as dirty do you? Neither did I. And it is this "safe with each other" kind of charm that makes this page a horrific trip, but a satisfying journey. But it was not all secret handshakes and baby oil....there were a couple of significant problems.

First of all...the Pic. Boys, boys, boys....what the fuck is with the handholding. How horrid and unnecessary a thing to have as your picture. And the fact that we are practically looking up your shorts while you clasp extremities is borderline sinful. Their headlining picture should be of a gilded crest or a community outreach building exterior. Do not feature little boys pictures in your myspace main photo...it is just creepy.

Next on the sin list was the name. Patta-watta-who the whats? No no no. Have you ever heard of a YMCA? How simple is that youth group? All you have to do to identify them is say four letters. And not even four letters...one letter. Y. "Let's go to the Y and play basketball". Get my point? And I sincerely doubt that a certain costumed crew of fabulous gay men will sing a song entitled "The PattaWattaComie - C -A" .

It's all about advertising.

On the good side though, it is a very well organized site. They have all of their affairs in order and it is regularly updated. The friends list is weak. But if you are the kind of "myspace snaker" who starts on one site and "friend's lists" himself to the 100th degree - you may like this page - but probably not. There is little humorous or interesting material to be had. Good luck Patta-Waccka whoever C A. And God Speed.


You enjoy youth groups? Or have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

P_Unit's Disaster

www.myspace.com/196627967
This is where you will find the subject of this article. Or click on the pic above.





Page Name: P_Unit
Type of Page: Band Support Page
Overall Grade: C+


This myspace page does very little to grab your ADD riddled mind out from the normal point and click runthrough that has become your life. First of all, it incorporates the standard background. Now don't get me wrong, there are some A+ pages out there that utilize the standard background - but this, I am sad to say, is not one of them.

For starters, the main body of writing has the words "Shit Storms and Sexy Bitches" highlighted for your enjoyment. Well, Mr. P_Unit, I have been involved in many shit storms in my day and let me tell you....there was not a sexy bitch to be found. I have calmed myself considerably since first seeing that blatant piece of false advertising.

Second of my complaints is the friend's list. As of right now Mr. P_Unit, you are boasting that you have 487 friends. That sir...is a lie. You do not, in fact, have 487 friends. Never, at any of your concerts did you ever even have 487 ticket buyers - let alone that many people who have let you crash on their couch as you wait for your "big break". To say any different is criminal.

Last on my complaints list is contained within P_Unit's details. In his details he claims to be 1) A Swinger and 2) a high school graduate who does not want kids, smokes, drinks, and makes less than 30K a year. I am ashamed for you sir...I am ashamed.

But it is not all rubbish for your consumption. The band is, as far as I can tell, pretty good. They are a rap group, so I am a poor judge, but I didn't want to kill anyone while I was listening, so that means it must be "good rap" - but judge for yourself. And its most redeeming quality (the page, not the music) is how honest it was. He is, in fact, a high school graduate wanna be rap star...but with 487 friends...is it catching?

Like P_Unit's digs? Or have a myspace you want me to review? Email me at rateyourmyspace@hotmail.com

Rate your Myspace

This is a blog that is dedicated to judging random MySpace pages. It is my belief that a MySpace page is a powerful weapon that should only be utilized by the cautious and non-jackassish. Does your MySpace page live up to all its potential? Let me be The Judge.